I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
