My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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