apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
