What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
