just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
