My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
