As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
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