I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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