Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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