My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Randomize
