You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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