What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Then you guys just all showered together...?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
