I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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