My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
