Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
