I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
