i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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