she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
