i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
