The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
