Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
