fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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