so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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