my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
