If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
