OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
