pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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