shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
