I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
