My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I have post one night stand depression
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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