thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
