I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
