Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
