I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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