Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
