I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
