South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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