I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
