He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
