my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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