So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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