so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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