i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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