and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
