Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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