areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
