Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Randomize
