everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
