I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
