remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
