I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
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Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
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It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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