i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
false alarm. still invincible.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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