apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
