One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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