I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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