When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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