Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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