Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK