she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
worst night to have a conscience
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
The power of my boobs compel you
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours