My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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