why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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