i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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