i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
