Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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