Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
